My Brokendown Heart

So who wouldv'e thought that being cleft in twain and torn asunder would be such an appealing prospect... but I guess it's all a matter of perspective now, isn't it?

Ever since getting my surgery date I've felt like a massive weight has been lifted from my shoulders (wish I could say the same for my chest ). I keep waiting for this high to end, but so far it just keeps on keeping on.  Kinda funny coming from the girl who has always loathed, detested and HATED hospitals  Anyway I guess after feeling so craptacular for so long, it is now just a massive relief to finally be seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Finally I can start making plans for my life again, rather than living in eternal limbo... waiting for the next appointment... waiting for the next set of test results... waiting for things to get "bad enough" to justify surgery.

Waiting sucks!!!

I didn't realise just HOW much it was starting to get to me. I think while I was still waiting for them to actually decide when to go ahead with the surgery, I was able to hold it together pretty well - I didn't spend too much time thinking about it - but once they decided they were definitely going ahead, I just wanted to get it done. Up until September I was still doing OK - but when my Oct/Nov window started getting smaller and smaller (which was the original target - and I needed a minimum 5 weeks notice) that crazy little control freak in me started losing it. Each day that passed had me getting more and more depsondent and upset. I was breaking into tears at the drop of a hat - especially on the bad days  And of course, not being one to wallow in self-pity, feeling miserable made me feel even worse..!

It was funny though, talking to a friend going through some similar emotional issues... I knew that a "happy pill" wasn't going to be my panacea.  This wasn't a depression that was going to be fixed or alleviated by something out of a bottle. I needed a date. I needed certainty. And I was right.

I'm pleased to say I'm feeling SOOOOOOO much better than I have in quite a while. Sure - I'm still fighting fatigue and SOB and dizzy spells (and all the rest), but the little control freak is happy again because PLANS CAN BE MADE!! (That poor little control freak really does need a few long therapy sessions ).

Anyway, for now I'm just sitting back, happily thinking of all the fun things I'm going to be able to do again.

 

....I've already found a dance studio nearby....